Poke Your Birthday

Birthdays are important to me.

This was not always the case. It wasn’t until I became a performer at children’s birthday parties that I truly began to appreciate them.

After going to, http://www.pokemybirthday.com/, I   can truly say, I’ve never thought about my birthday in this way. Thanks for the info Poke My Birthday and here’s the story they told me once I put in the day I came out of my mother’s who-who!

You think your birthday is the oldest day of your life history but you are sadly wrong. Let’s surprise you:

310 days before you are born (-310 days), your father has produced the semen that will be half of you soon. He produced 1000 sperms every second of his life and you will be the lucky one out of 500 million sperm he sent on their way in the conceivement. You may find it interesting to know that if he had drunk (or not drunk) coffee on this morning, you might born completely as someone else (for instance in the opposite sex) as caffeine changes the speed of male sperms.

(Your birthday -295 days):

Today your mother had her last menstrual cycle and started building up the egg, which will be the other half of you.

After today, she will not have this cycle again for a very long time (thanks to you!). She spent the day as moody, anxious, short-tempered and you should be glad, you were not around her that day!

(Your birthday -280 days):

Your mother’s egg is ready to build the other half of you and your father and your mother got together to make you. But there is still no “you” around so don’t get excited too much. It can take several hours for your father’s sperm to reach your mother’s egg and now it is just on its way out.

(Your birthday -279 days):

Out of 500 million sperm on their way to your mother’s egg, the sperm which built you has won the race by coming in first and the sperm and the egg became one to make your very first cell. Do you see how lucky your half (the sperm) is by winning coming up first among 500 million other rivals? Never say you are not lucky anymore! We can call –279 days as your “first day alive” because this is when you are a living entity, an embryo, congratulations! Although you are just a 1-cell creature today your unique DNA is also formed so your future destiny, like your sex, height, physical appearance, intelligence, characteristic and vulnerability to certain diseases is already been determined.

(Your birthday -265 days):

If your mother is an intelligent women, she would have suspected that she is pregnant on this day. She is not very sure yet but she is suspicious. We hope she was excited and overjoyed, not worried.

(Your birthday -258 days):

Today your mother is telling your father about her pregnancy and he is celebrating to be a daddy! Today is also important in that, your heart has pumped for the first time today. We don’t know if it is a coincidence that your father learned about you in the very day, your heart first pumped!

(Your birthday -182 days):

Your parents could have lawfully got an abortion until today so this is also an important day of your life. Today they decided you should live! We are glad they didn’t otherwise; we’d lose one site visitor in pokemybirthday.com (and at http://hollywoodclown.wordpress.com/ )

(Day 1 Your birthday):

You are born to a cruel world. Happy birthday little buddy! We hope you remember to enjoy your life, which was a big journey from day minus 310 to today.

I AM a grateful Hollywood Clown

How Important Is Sex?

“Do you know what you’re having yet?”

It doesn’t matter if it’s a family member, close friend or the checkout lady at the grocery store; it’s the inevitable question that always follows once people hear that you are expecting a child. “No, we’re not finding out. As long as it’s healthy we don’t care either way.”

Then comes the look of, “Yah, right.”

But for us it’s true. And I’m sure if you ask any parent that has ever lost a child, they would agree. There is no worse feeling in the world than going to an ultra sound and having the Dr. say, “There’s no heartbeat.” I realize that it was natures way of saying that they embryo was unhealthy and it made the difficult decision for us of terminating the pregnancy. It still doesn’t make it any easier.

An acquaintance of mine had his twins born a few months premature and one of them unfortunately did not make it.

A friend of mine lost her child, days before her due date, because its umbilical chord had gotten tangled up and knotted in utero. She had to still go through a ten hour labor to give birth to a child that she would never get a chance to see it take it’s first steps, to fall in love, to laugh and cry.

One of my cousin’s and his wife had their baby born four months premature and everyday was a struggle for it to cling to life.

Notice, in the three stories above, I never revealed any of the child’s sexes? Does that make any of them less sad?

My wife and I already have a daughter, fortunately a very healthy one, with a very healthy temper to boot. We are expecting our second child in October and every time we hear from the Dr. that everything looks good, I breathe a silent sigh of relief to myself. Earlier during the pregnancy, we had to have some extra test done because the Dr.’s said that my wife’s blood test came back with things indicating that the baby might have downs syndrome. It’s great that today’s technology can give parents a heads up to something of this magnitude so that they can properly prepare both mentally and emotionally for any added challenges to the already difficult job of being a parent. Anyone with a child can attest, raising a child is hard, but raising a child with any sort of health issues makes it even harder. This type of information is important to me. I would take the info of my child being healthy over the info of its gender any day.

There are so few real pleasant surprises in life these days, I think waiting for the day that you’re your child arrives in your life and in your family to find out if you have a boy or a girl is one of the last true surprises. It’s always been funny to me how differently people act toward the baby, while it’s still in it’s mommy’s belly after they find out what it is. It will have a whole lifetime to live up to and to be categorized, like a book in a library, to it’s expected gender role, why not give it 9 months to just be a baby? Why the big hurry? But to some, the really macho guy who NEEDS to have a son because, “only a man can make a man!” (are we still cavemen?) or the people who are control freaks, I guess it is important. Nothing against my control freak friends, you’re fun to watch.

And there are some out there, you know who you are, that really do want a boy or a girl but feel that it’s taboo to admit to it. I can completely understand that if you already have a child and you only plan on having two, that it would be nice to be able to experience the parenting trials and tribulations, that one day become specific for each gender.

To me, there was no feeling like assisting in bringing my child into this world, raising them high (like in ROOTS or The Lion King), and announcing to the world that I have a daughter.

A beautiful and healthy daughter.

I AM The Hollywood Clown

To Goody Bag Or Not To Goody Bag, That Is The Question

My friend Stacy’s disdain for passing out goody bags at birthday parties was recently brought to my attention via Facebook. She realized that she needs “20 of something” to handout, and being a working mom she doesn’t have a second to shop. Within her status, she received lots of advice from her friends on what to do… and what not to do.

“I stopped doing them! They are a stupid idea!!” Allyson said.

“Hate them. Skip them!!!” stated Christine.

Janice’s advice, “I truly do not think the kids will notice no gift bag. Go for it!”

Yet Darcy added, “My daughter actually cried at a party that did not have them.”

While performing at a birthday party, I once witnessed a pack of children ravenously chanting “Goody bags! Goody bags! Goody bags!” It was like the overly zealous kids from Children Of The Corn on crack. I can honestly say that I don’t remember the exact moment when goody bags became the “norm” at birthday parties. It makes you think, “Who started the whole ‘goody bag’ craze anyway?” Obviously, it wasn’t a working parent.

In Los Angeles, the contents of GB’s from a party can get as competitive as the party itself. The really wealthy clients would have the party planning company provide the GB’s so they didn’t have to think about it. I remember clients that would specifically say, “We would like to have the same goody bags that you handed out at the Spielberg’s party, but better. We’ll pay more, of course.” Well, I’m going to let you all in on a big secret. My bosses would send me to downtown Los Angeles to purchase cheap $1 toys in bulk to stuff into the goody bags for the children of celebrity millionaires.

Have we gotten to the point of no return? Are goody bags expected? Is it a regional/class thing? Thus the question: To goody bag or not to goody bag? Do we teach our children that goody bags are a token of generosity and not a requirement?

My wife loves goody bags. She loves getting them and she loves giving them. But for her getting one is a bonus, not an expectation, and perhaps that is the difference.

In my opinion, the best piece of advice Stacy received was from her friend Dawn: “Give them a book.” And that is what she did. Reading: the gift that gives a lifetime.

I AM The Hollywood Clown

The Working Actor

On any given day, only 2% of actors are working as actors and only 5% of actors actually make a living on acting alone. Far more common than the “working actor” is “The Working Actor” who finds himself unemployed for long stretches at a time and often end s up working menial jobs.

I am one of the latter actors. Some of the jobs, outside of the TV and Film industry, I’ve had include –

Seismic Retrofitter

Construction Worker

Clown

Balloon Artist

Day Care Worker

Art & Music Teacher

Carnie

and Farm Hand, just to name a few.

I’m currently working as a Seismic Retrofitter and recently had the pleasure of being interview by Mark over at The Working Actor website. Mark’s site is dedicated to the actor who works, but unfortunately is not yet at the level where they make a living as an actor. It’s filled with wonderful, hard working artist, who fill in all the puzzle pieces on TV and film that otherwise would seem incomplete without them. Believe me, you would notice a scene in a restaurant with no other patrons other than the lead actors.

When I first heard of Mark’s website, I emailed him, told him what I did for my day job and sent him a photo of one of my many treasures I’ve found under houses over the past six years. He liked what he heard, was frightened by what he saw and we set up a time for the interview.

While he was setting up his camera, we were talking and I started telling him about the book I had written called, “Hollywood Clown” based on my years working as a children’s entertainer here in Los Angeles. He loved the stories so much that he wanted me to wait and tell them to him while he filmed me.

The three stories that he used for his website were –

When I played peek-a-boo with Robert De Niro while dressed as Winnie the Pooh, where I had a gun pulled on me, also while dressed as Winnie the Pooh and lastly, when I was directed by Steven Spielberg for one of his home movies.

I told him that those were just a tip of the iceberg. I’ve got a ton of stories about the rich and famous, as well as about your average Joey bag-o-donuts, being nice, very nice and downright inhumane and cruel.

“How do you remember all the stories?” Mark asked.

“Easy,” I told him, “I’ve been keeping a journal for the past twenty-two years and that includes all 845 of the parties I did.”

“I guess I’ll be in that journal now, huh?”

“That’s right. And it’ll be filed under ‘Acting’ stuff.”

Mark took a few photos of me working and was on his way. A few weeks later his feature on me was up at his website. He included a few of the commercials I did for Sprint, Dunkin’ Donuts and Long John Silvers in his teaser for my story. I had a great time working with Mark and am happy that he’s giving people a glimpse at the lives of the non-celebrities that are us… The Working Actor.

I AM the Hollywood Clown (insert Link addition special)

What Is This?

There I was, minding my own business while setting up lights under a house and getting ready to work when THIS jumped out at me.

Well, it didn’t exactly jump in the literal sense as much as the figurative one. Regardless, it was still scary to stumble on it. Wouldn’t you agree? Like all the trash we find, while working under houses around Los Angeles, we removed it.

But, like a bad dream, it haunted me. “What is this thing?” The teeth look too big to be those of a common house cat. I’m no expert at dead things found under houses and that’s why I’m turning to you. Can anyone tell me what this thing is? How long it’s been dead? Where are the back legs (if it had any)? You can also see inside the body as well and see it’s ribcage if that helps with decoding the mystery.

Where is it now? It currently resides in my garage in a green plastic trash bag. Although, I’m not sure for how long. My wife discovered it today (the screams where heard for miles) and we haven’t had time to have “The Talk” as to why it’s there and how quickly she’ll want it removed.

I’m thinking about saving it and using it as a decoration at Halloween time.

If anyone wants to borrow my treasure let me know.

I’ll be waiting  to find out if anyone in cyberspace can help me figure out what my find is.

I AM The Hollywood Clown

Two New Word Definitions For The 21st Century Parent Dictionary That I Love

Tot Block: When a small child finally gains enough comfort at the playground to approach another child to play and a parent steps in and does something to disturb the flow, like adjust the clothing or offer a juice box, and the new potential friend is scared away.

Helicopter Parent: is a colloquial, early 21st-century term for a parent who pays extremely close attention to his or her child’s or children’s experiences and problems, particularly at educational institutions. The term was originally coined by Foster W. Cline, M.D. and Jim Fay in their 1990 book Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility

Any others you can think of, please let me know.

The Hollywood Clown

Dr.Cullen May Have Bit Off More Than He Can Chew

Write what you know so that you know what you’re writing about. The first lesson any writer learns.

Every day people come up with ideas for scripts, be they film or television. Most will never see the light of day. One’s chances of getting a script made grow exponentially depending on one’s height of celebrity. This does not always mean that those scripts should get made. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. (Hello paging Kevin Smith, Gigli? Really?)

Today I was told about a particular script idea that was of great interest to me. Unfortunately, it will suck. Why? Well, number one, it’s a Hallmark TV movie of the week – enough said. And number two, the author of that script, Peter Facinelli, has no idea about his subject matter. Now don’t get me wrong, I like the guy as an actor. He’s brilliant on “Nurse Jackie” and as much as I hate to admit it, I liked him in “Twilight.” I am not admitting to liking Twilight, just Mr. Facinelli in it.

What’s his script about? His wife, Jennie Garth, revealed the script is about “an actor inside the Barney suit – a giant stuffed animated kids character” who ends up meeting a woman who “changes his perspective on things.”

“An actor inside a Barney suit.” The exact topic of the book that I’ve been working on for six years, and that I finally finished last year. I, in true Hollywood fashion, also have a TV script as well as a movie script about the subject. The difference is I know what I’m talking about.

I worked as an entertainer at children’s birthday parties in Los Angeles for five-and-a-half years, and during that time I documented my sometimes-frightening, often-hilarious experiences. I performed for everyone from the Hollywood rich and famous, including Steven Spielberg and Cindy Crawford, to families in such poor neighborhoods that everyone on the block had to pitch in just so Barney could make an appearance at their party. A few other interesting tidbits from my book:

I played peek-a-boo with Robert DeNiro.

I was held up at gunpoint while dressed up as Winnie the Pooh.

I had sex (as defined by most people except Bill Clinton) with a Hollywood producer while being paid to be Santa Claus at her Christmas party. Ho, Ho, Ho!

I overheard a potential plot to kidnap Steven Spielberg’s kids.

I knew someone who ran a kids party business out of the same office as a gay porn production company.

I was faced with the question of whether certain performers were pedophiles.

I witnessed a businesses go under because the “Barney” people sued them for copywrite infringement (Look out Peter!)

…and a ton of other priceless adventures all taken from my first hand experiences

It makes me sad to see another movie being made about a topic (Death to Smoochie was unwatchable, even with Robin Williams and Ed Norton) by people who are clueless on the subject. I hope that Peter Facinelli’s masterpiece doesn’t sour your palettes too much on the subject so that I, an unknown struggling Writer/Actor, at least has a chance to share my party-entertaining experiences with the world.

Good luck Peter! If you want some advice look me up on Facebook.

I AM The Hollywood Clown!