Tips from a former Santa to help you get that special photo

“Mommy, Daddy, look! It’s Santa! Can I tell him what I want for Christmas?”

Then IT happens.

Your child gets on Santa’s lap and she screams bloody murder. And rightfully so. After all, you spend January through November telling her not to talk to strangers, yet here you are, telling her that not only is it “ok” to sit on his lap, but to also be sure to take candy from him.

I guess it would be worse if your kids had to watch all the other kids do it and they weren’t allowed to participate. Oh, wait… We call those kids Jewish. Did you ever see the episode of “Friends” where Ross dressed up like the Hannukah armadillo because his son was half Jewish, yet was all into Santa? Well, it was very funny. I miss my “Friends.”

Speaking of friends, I’m here to give you, my friends, a little advice on how to avoid the “Screaming child on Santa’s lap” episode. Having done many parties as the white-bearded one in my day, I can honestly say that we don’t like having a screaming child on our laps. Screaming children sometimes feel the need to hit, grab or worse: relieve themselves. The human fight or flight response is a cruel joke to Santas everywhere.

So here’s a quick tutorial:
One: Test the waters. What do you do before you go into a pool? You cautiously put a toe into the water to see if it’s to your liking. Think of visiting Santa the same way. From a safe distance, see if your child is curious about Santa. If he seems to be then…

Two: Move closer to Santa – and it’s better if you don’t acknowledge him unless the child acknowledges him first. Now the best thing is if the Santa knows well enough to also follow a scared child’s lead. If the child says nothing, Santa should also say nothing. I’ve seen many a Santa scare a nervous child from a distance just by saying, “Hello.”

Getting close to Santa is one thing, sitting on his lap is a whole different ball game. Batter up!

Three: With your child in hand, stand next to Santa.  Good? Then…

Four: Kneel down next to Santa. Kid still not screaming? Moving on…

BONUS TIP – One parent should ALWAYS be at the ready to snap the photo that will line the refrigerators of Friends and Family for months. When I say at the ready, I mean that you have the camera framed up and finger on the button. As photo taker you must also be ready to trade places with the other parent. Kids are unpredictably predictable and they may have a moment where it’s imperative that the other parent take them to see Santa.

Five: Slowly – and I can’t stress this enough – slowly try placing your child on Santa’s lap and walk around in front of Santa (be sure to not be in the way of the parent taking the photo). Hopefully your child will watch the parent who set them down and you’ll have a nanosecond where the child is on Santa’s lap, looking ahead for photos, and most importantly, not screaming. Your child may seem ok, but remember, at any moment he could blow. So the parent manning the camera should be snapping away. With digital, it’s totally worth it to take a bunch of photos. You can always trash the bad ones.

There you have it. Easy.

One last thing: children change from year to year, so one year they may looooooove Santa and the next they don’t want to be in the same room with him. Saying stuff like, “Well you liked him last year” doesn’t help the situation and it’s just plain mean. Don’t be a bad Mommy or Daddy and be sure to follow your child’s cues.

If you’re the type of parent that enjoys photos of your kids screaming on Santa’s lap, then disregard everything that I said and make sure to pinch them before you hand them over to the bearded stranger in red with candy to insure that you get that cruel photo that your child will always hate you for when they are older.

I would love to hear your Santa stories. And see pictures, feel free to post them here or on my Fan Page on Facebook – http://www.facebook.com/pages/Hollywood-Clown/

Happy Holidays from The Hollywood Clown!

Hurricane Irene Hits New Hampshire and Vermont-August 28th 2011

I watched the news on August 28th, with my Mom who was visiting from New Hampshire, praying that our family and friends were safe from Hurricane Irene. Thanks to social networks, especially Facebook, Mom and I could keep up with the going on’s, almost obsessively, as they were happening.

What a time we live in, where we can share feelings, emotions and history across the country or the world instantly.

I grew up in the Upper Valley in New Hampshire and couldn’t believe my eyes as I watched the images pop up, one after another on Facebook. Refreshing the page, only to receive, no less than at least twenty new photo’s, video links and flood updates. Places I played at as a child, roads I drove on daily and businesses I frequented often, all under water.

It made me sad.

Luckily, none of my family or friends were harmed or got hurt. Only wet. Very wet.

I’m currently home recovering from a Cervical Spine operation and there is very little my Dr. has allowed me to do. No lifting, bending, twisting, driving as well as a bunch of other stuff. I can, however work on my computer. Hmmmmm? This gave me an idea.

Years ago in the mid 80′s my parents bought a VHS video camera. Home Video camera’s were new and exciting and not everyone had them living in their pockets disguised as phones. Wanting to be a film maker, I used the VHS Video camera and taped everything. This included my friends and I jumping from a covered bridge in Quechee Vermont in the summer of 1988, weeks before I started my freshman year at Franklin Pierce College as a… you guessed it, a Mass Communication (Film/TV) Major. I brought the footage to College with me and edited it together.

Cut to… August 28th 2011, almost 23 years to the day of when we filmed us jumping off the Quechee Covered Bridge, I watched as Hurricane Irene was trying to wash the bridge away. Today, as I write this, the bridge is still standing but barely. I’m sure the community will do it’s best to save it along with the many other bridges that were beaten on during the Hurricane.

Here, after 23 years, I pulled out the footage, of me and the boys jumping off the bridge, edited it together with a video I found on YouTube and created my own little hommage to the Quechee Covered Bridge. She will always live on, regardless of her fate after Hurricane Irene, in the hearts of many of us who grew up in the Upper Valley!

Enjoy!

http://s1097.photobucket.com/albums/g350/TheHollywoodClown/?action=view&current=QuecheeCoveredBridge-MyMemories.mp4

I AM The Hollywood Clown

A Mother’s Day Tip From A Clown

“You’re such a nice and handsome young man.”

“Thank you very much. That’s very kind of you.”

“I have a grand daughter that’s available. Tell me sweetie, are you Jewish?”

“No, I’m not.”

The elderly woman took my hand, caressed it and said, “We can’t all be perfect.”

And this is how it went every year when I did the Mother’s Day event at an elderly home here in Los Angeles. The day usually began with another clown and I starting the day at 8am being escorted by a volunteer, that was always a cute girl in her early 20′s, and handing out corsages to all the elderly ladies.

“They ALL try to set me up with their grandsons all the time. At least you only have to hear it on Mother’s Day. I hear it everyday I volunteer. I had to stop telling them I was Jewish because once they got that little nugget of info they never let up. But they’re sweet,” a young hottie volunteer once told me.

It was a really fun gig to work. I have experience working with the elderly; I worked at a hospital that had a retirement home wing for six years in my youth. Some days when I would go to work I would bring my guitar with me and play and sing for them. It never mattered what I played, what was important to them was the fact that I was spending time with them.

I think that even if I didn’t hand out flowers to all these woman they would just been happy to have someone, anyone, come in and wish them a happy mother’s day. So coming in dressed as a clown and bearing gifts made it all that more special. I loved seeing the women’s eyes light up when I strolled into their room with a flower for them. Unfortunately, it can also be very sad. Some of the women were comatose, had Alzheimer’s, or dementia. Still, EVERY woman, patient or not, at the elderly home got a flower.

“That’s so nice of you, young man, but I’m an old maid. I never had any children.”

“I’m allergic.”

“I used to be a man.”

It didn’t matter to me what the excuse was… They all got a flower.

It was also not uncommon to do this event and not see the same faces as the year before.

“It’s really tough when one of them passes away,” a twenty-year-old female volunteer named Danielle, who was assigned to escort me one year, told me. “It’s sad. Really sad.”

We pass out flowers from 8am to 10am (we are always there until 10:30 or a little longer) then we drive to the main complex where the real party starts at 11am. From 11am to 2pm the families of the residents are all invited to show up for a free lunch, singing, dancing, face painting, balloon animals, and more flowers. It was (and still is from what I hear) a big event and the local news cameras show up and cover the event. It’s so big that four more clowns show up for the 11am to 2pm shift. In total, there are six clowns running around entertaining everyone. The event crescendos with a great big sing-and-dance-along lead by a live band that even the elderly in wheelchairs join in on.

Sadly, some families don’t show up.

Here’s the portion of my story where I’ll try not to sound to preachy. Spend time with your mom if you can. I live 3000 miles away from my Mom (I moved to L.A. from the East Coast to be a writer and actor) and can’t physically “see” her, but I always send her something and call her on Mother’s Day. If you are geographically close, take your mom out and treat them extra special. If you can’t do that, then spend time with them and let them talk about the “old days.” I noticed that the residents who were actually taken out for a few hours before the big party were always the happiest ones at the party. They loved to tell us clowns how their son or daughter is so wonderful and how they went out for a “special” breakfast.

Moms are human. They will not always be there. Appreciate them while they are, and let them know you love them by giving them a little bit of your time.

And if you can, make them a flower bouquet out of balloons. If you can’t, maybe you’ll be lucky enough to have a clown around to make one for you.

I AM a Hollywood Clown.

Continental Airlines is Un-American!

“Osama Bin Laden Is Dead!”

In light of the current headlines flooding the news as well as social networks, Americans are having a surge of patriotism. Oh wait, not everyone.

Four years ago, some friends of mine started a rock band geared toward kids called, “The Party Animals”. After entertaining the children of Los Angeles for the first few years they were invited to start entertaining the family’s and children of our armed forces. Making very little profit, all involved with “The Party Animals” take time out of their busy lives to travel the globe to put smiles on the children of those protecting this great country of ours. They have been doing it for a few years and have NEVER had a snafu like the one that comes on the heals of our American troops putting an end to one of the most evil master minds of destruction in recent US history.

I was appalled to hear of the recent events that unfolded for them on their return of their most recent tour. They travel with quite the entourage of performers and technical people, this includes having an unbelievable amount of luggage. Which, by the way, was all donated to them by  their recent sponsors, the aptly named American Tourister, Samsonite. “The Party Animals” travel with papers from the Department of Defense explaining their situation and why they travel with so much luggage. The unpatriotic Continental Airlines didn’t acknowledge the orders, from the United States of America Department of Defense, and made them pay an extra $1800 to get all of their luggage on board.

You can read the whole story from the blog The Party Animals kept on their recent tour here - http://thepartyanimalslive.com/wordpress/?p=131#comment-44

I don’t know about you, but I will NEVER fly Continental again. Please spread the word of this disgrace and embarrassment to the great men, women, and their families that give up so much for our country.

I AM The Hollywood Clown – Pro America and Anti-Continental

A Very Kosher Easter

“Don’t mention Easter, they’re Jewish!!!”

“So it’s just a birthday party?”

“Yes. Remember to do a good job, they’re my cousins.”

“I always do my best.” Duh.

I did very well, as usual, and not once did I mention that it was Easter. At the end of the party, the mom handed me a bag.

“Here you go, ‘Honey Bear.’ Lollypops for the kids…” she said excitedly.

Then her voice turned to a whisper as she finished her sentence.

“They’re kosher.”

“The kids or the lollypops?” I whispered back.

She didn’t find it nearly as funny as I did.

I AM The Hollywood Clown.

FREE Goodie Bags!

Red Nose. Check.

Ultimate Cool Man Satchel (named so, because it resembles the bag used by Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark) filled with hundreds of flaccid balloons. Check.

Post on Twitter where and when I was going to be. Check.

So, where the hell was everyone? I walked up and down both sides of the street numerous times eagerly wanting to make someone a balloon animal. I know I only have 128 followers on Twitter but I was hoping that maybe one of them would show up in response to my ongoing Twitter Experiment.

Maybe I would get more of a response if I handed out free goodie bags? Hmmm… something to think about?

What I do know for certain, I need new followers; it’s time to change my game plan. I decided to just start making balloons and not only to hand out but to leave around as well. As I walked by cars along the street I would glance in each and every one of them for any clues that the person who drives the car may have a child who would love a surprise balloon animal awaiting them. The presences of toys or a car seat were my main clues.

Then I came across something different. On the dashboard of one car was a homemade birthday card made from poster board that looked like a gift from a classroom.
This must be a teacher’s car. Excellent! I took out my balloon pump, a yellow balloon, fabricated a doggie and attached it to her side driver side mirror.

I continued on my way. I got to the end of the street, turned around and saw an attractive dark-haired woman with a very serious look on her face approach the car I left the balloon animal on. She put her key in the car door, opened it, put one leg in and then saw the balloon I had left. She reached over the door and grabbed the balloon. She looked up and down the street and then at the balloon. She noticed my Hollywood Clown Card that I attach, for FREE, on every balloon (this is how I hope to get more followers), smiled and got into her car. As she drove by me I could see her still smiling.

SUCCESS!!

And that is what my Twitter Experiment is all about, spreading joy and happiness (as well as awareness about all things Hollywood Clown), one person at a time. Who knows, maybe Harley Davidson, Target and Conwin Carbonic will sponsor a road trip for The Hollywood Clown to come to your neighborhood.

This is America, it could happen.

I AM The Hollywood Clown

My Interview on Sharpo Says

Eric, or has most people know him, Sharpo, is the reason I started doing kid’s parties. Sharpo and I go back almost 20 years, I met him soon after I first moved to Los Angeles to feed my acting addiction. We’ve performed together (and still do on occasion) doing murder mystery’s, worked together in not one, but two sketch groups, played music together and entertained at the occasional birthday party. Like all L.A. relationships, we’ve grown apart at times and went for a long time without seeing one another. We reconnected a few years ago at a yard sale. My yard sale to be exact. He was walking with his family – yes, Eric had become a family man, and I came to find out that he also lived down the street from my wife and I. We are both new fathers, twice over and are both now in our 40′s. I hear it’s the new 20′s, only with less aches and pains.

When Eric asked me if I would be interested in being interviewed for his online “Sharpo Says” blog talk radio show, how could I say no? He is the man responsible for me wondering into the world of children’s birthday parties, no “if’s”, “and’s” or “but’s”, it WAS 100% his doing. And that experience awakened a sleeping desire in me, the desire to write a book.

Thank you Eric.

You can listen to the interview here – http://www.blogtalkradio.com/sharpo/2011/02/15/sharpo-says-interview-with-actor-author-jason-lassen

I AM The Hollywood Clown

The Twitter Experiment

Balloons make people happy. It didn’t matter if I was twisting a balloon into a doggy at some kid’s birthday party, or delivering a balloon bouquet to an office, balloons made people happy. And I think the world needs a spoonful of happiness right now more than ever. Thus the birth of “The Twitter Experiment.”

“The Twitter Experiment” is my attempt to spread some joy and happiness via twitter and latex.

Here’s the deal: I will hand out FREE balloon animals to whoever wants one. I will be recognizable by one thing: a red clown nose. And because the happiness that balloons bring aren’t isolated to the greater Los Angeles area, I won’t just be local. I may be coming to a city near you. The only way to find out is to follow me on… Twitter.

“The Twitter Experiment: Day 1” begins on February 4^th 2011. Where will I be? Follow me on Twitter and find out.

http://twitter.com/HollywoodClown

There it is. I don’t know where this is going to go, or how it’s going to work, hence the word “experiment,” but I’m very excited to see the results. I’ll be posting photos of me with my twitter followers and their FREE balloon animals. Because balloons make people happy.

I can’t wait to see you out there!

I AM The Hollywood Clown

Poke Your Birthday

Birthdays are important to me.

This was not always the case. It wasn’t until I became a performer at children’s birthday parties that I truly began to appreciate them.

After going to, http://www.pokemybirthday.com/, I   can truly say, I’ve never thought about my birthday in this way. Thanks for the info Poke My Birthday and here’s the story they told me once I put in the day I came out of my mother’s who-who!

You think your birthday is the oldest day of your life history but you are sadly wrong. Let’s surprise you:

310 days before you are born (-310 days), your father has produced the semen that will be half of you soon. He produced 1000 sperms every second of his life and you will be the lucky one out of 500 million sperm he sent on their way in the conceivement. You may find it interesting to know that if he had drunk (or not drunk) coffee on this morning, you might born completely as someone else (for instance in the opposite sex) as caffeine changes the speed of male sperms.

(Your birthday -295 days):

Today your mother had her last menstrual cycle and started building up the egg, which will be the other half of you.

After today, she will not have this cycle again for a very long time (thanks to you!). She spent the day as moody, anxious, short-tempered and you should be glad, you were not around her that day!

(Your birthday -280 days):

Your mother’s egg is ready to build the other half of you and your father and your mother got together to make you. But there is still no “you” around so don’t get excited too much. It can take several hours for your father’s sperm to reach your mother’s egg and now it is just on its way out.

(Your birthday -279 days):

Out of 500 million sperm on their way to your mother’s egg, the sperm which built you has won the race by coming in first and the sperm and the egg became one to make your very first cell. Do you see how lucky your half (the sperm) is by winning coming up first among 500 million other rivals? Never say you are not lucky anymore! We can call –279 days as your “first day alive” because this is when you are a living entity, an embryo, congratulations! Although you are just a 1-cell creature today your unique DNA is also formed so your future destiny, like your sex, height, physical appearance, intelligence, characteristic and vulnerability to certain diseases is already been determined.

(Your birthday -265 days):

If your mother is an intelligent women, she would have suspected that she is pregnant on this day. She is not very sure yet but she is suspicious. We hope she was excited and overjoyed, not worried.

(Your birthday -258 days):

Today your mother is telling your father about her pregnancy and he is celebrating to be a daddy! Today is also important in that, your heart has pumped for the first time today. We don’t know if it is a coincidence that your father learned about you in the very day, your heart first pumped!

(Your birthday -182 days):

Your parents could have lawfully got an abortion until today so this is also an important day of your life. Today they decided you should live! We are glad they didn’t otherwise; we’d lose one site visitor in pokemybirthday.com (and at http://hollywoodclown.wordpress.com/ )

(Day 1 Your birthday):

You are born to a cruel world. Happy birthday little buddy! We hope you remember to enjoy your life, which was a big journey from day minus 310 to today.

I AM a grateful Hollywood Clown

How Important Is Sex?

“Do you know what you’re having yet?”

It doesn’t matter if it’s a family member, close friend or the checkout lady at the grocery store; it’s the inevitable question that always follows once people hear that you are expecting a child. “No, we’re not finding out. As long as it’s healthy we don’t care either way.”

Then comes the look of, “Yah, right.”

But for us it’s true. And I’m sure if you ask any parent that has ever lost a child, they would agree. There is no worse feeling in the world than going to an ultra sound and having the Dr. say, “There’s no heartbeat.” I realize that it was natures way of saying that they embryo was unhealthy and it made the difficult decision for us of terminating the pregnancy. It still doesn’t make it any easier.

An acquaintance of mine had his twins born a few months premature and one of them unfortunately did not make it.

A friend of mine lost her child, days before her due date, because its umbilical chord had gotten tangled up and knotted in utero. She had to still go through a ten hour labor to give birth to a child that she would never get a chance to see it take it’s first steps, to fall in love, to laugh and cry.

One of my cousin’s and his wife had their baby born four months premature and everyday was a struggle for it to cling to life.

Notice, in the three stories above, I never revealed any of the child’s sexes? Does that make any of them less sad?

My wife and I already have a daughter, fortunately a very healthy one, with a very healthy temper to boot. We are expecting our second child in October and every time we hear from the Dr. that everything looks good, I breathe a silent sigh of relief to myself. Earlier during the pregnancy, we had to have some extra test done because the Dr.’s said that my wife’s blood test came back with things indicating that the baby might have downs syndrome. It’s great that today’s technology can give parents a heads up to something of this magnitude so that they can properly prepare both mentally and emotionally for any added challenges to the already difficult job of being a parent. Anyone with a child can attest, raising a child is hard, but raising a child with any sort of health issues makes it even harder. This type of information is important to me. I would take the info of my child being healthy over the info of its gender any day.

There are so few real pleasant surprises in life these days, I think waiting for the day that you’re your child arrives in your life and in your family to find out if you have a boy or a girl is one of the last true surprises. It’s always been funny to me how differently people act toward the baby, while it’s still in it’s mommy’s belly after they find out what it is. It will have a whole lifetime to live up to and to be categorized, like a book in a library, to it’s expected gender role, why not give it 9 months to just be a baby? Why the big hurry? But to some, the really macho guy who NEEDS to have a son because, “only a man can make a man!” (are we still cavemen?) or the people who are control freaks, I guess it is important. Nothing against my control freak friends, you’re fun to watch.

And there are some out there, you know who you are, that really do want a boy or a girl but feel that it’s taboo to admit to it. I can completely understand that if you already have a child and you only plan on having two, that it would be nice to be able to experience the parenting trials and tribulations, that one day become specific for each gender.

To me, there was no feeling like assisting in bringing my child into this world, raising them high (like in ROOTS or The Lion King), and announcing to the world that I have a daughter.

A beautiful and healthy daughter.

I AM The Hollywood Clown

To Goody Bag Or Not To Goody Bag, That Is The Question

My friend Stacy’s disdain for passing out goody bags at birthday parties was recently brought to my attention via Facebook. She realized that she needs “20 of something” to handout, and being a working mom she doesn’t have a second to shop. Within her status, she received lots of advice from her friends on what to do… and what not to do.

“I stopped doing them! They are a stupid idea!!” Allyson said.

“Hate them. Skip them!!!” stated Christine.

Janice’s advice, “I truly do not think the kids will notice no gift bag. Go for it!”

Yet Darcy added, “My daughter actually cried at a party that did not have them.”

While performing at a birthday party, I once witnessed a pack of children ravenously chanting “Goody bags! Goody bags! Goody bags!” It was like the overly zealous kids from Children Of The Corn on crack. I can honestly say that I don’t remember the exact moment when goody bags became the “norm” at birthday parties. It makes you think, “Who started the whole ‘goody bag’ craze anyway?” Obviously, it wasn’t a working parent.

In Los Angeles, the contents of GB’s from a party can get as competitive as the party itself. The really wealthy clients would have the party planning company provide the GB’s so they didn’t have to think about it. I remember clients that would specifically say, “We would like to have the same goody bags that you handed out at the Spielberg’s party, but better. We’ll pay more, of course.” Well, I’m going to let you all in on a big secret. My bosses would send me to downtown Los Angeles to purchase cheap $1 toys in bulk to stuff into the goody bags for the children of celebrity millionaires.

Have we gotten to the point of no return? Are goody bags expected? Is it a regional/class thing? Thus the question: To goody bag or not to goody bag? Do we teach our children that goody bags are a token of generosity and not a requirement?

My wife loves goody bags. She loves getting them and she loves giving them. But for her getting one is a bonus, not an expectation, and perhaps that is the difference.

In my opinion, the best piece of advice Stacy received was from her friend Dawn: “Give them a book.” And that is what she did. Reading: the gift that gives a lifetime.

I AM The Hollywood Clown